it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
