i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
