i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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