i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
