one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
