The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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