you guys were way drunker than both of me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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