I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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