just come out here and I will go home with you...
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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