awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
