Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
