I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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