u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
