I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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