the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
