Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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