Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
