god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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