my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
