I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
