I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
