So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
