and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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