Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
