Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
