Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
