just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
