This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
