i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
