I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
