...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
