you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
