Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
