I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
