1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We left the knife in your bed.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
