I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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