I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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