I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
