Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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