Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
