I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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