I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
