I cannot find my penis.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
