This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
