I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
