Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
