four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
