A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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