He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
