last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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