mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
