she smelled like a LAN party
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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